One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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