So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize