and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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