I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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