I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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