Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
