Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
