these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's official drugs can't kill me
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
