Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
