What did I eat last night that was bloody?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
