im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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