threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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