he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.