guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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