our cab driver is having phone sex.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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