Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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