Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
