Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
