I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
