I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
