I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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