How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
