New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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