The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
