I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
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You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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