I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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