we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
