I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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