ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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