I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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