I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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