Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
