If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
