I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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