checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
