Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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