I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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