Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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