Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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