we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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