i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
