I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
