im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
PANTIES FOUND
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
