i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
