It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
