It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
