Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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