You really coming over, don't trick.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
