i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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