Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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