i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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