its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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