i think my tv is drunk
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
