When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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