ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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