Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
